+*+Flash+*+

I lied to Neil and Tats, I would like Mowa's lifestyle... for a little while anyway, just before I settle down, in the province, surrounded with books, with a dog (preferrably a chow or spitz) and a WiFi capable house. :P

I want the sort of luxury to be able to buy lacy vintage tops when they're the hot tops for the season. Or peep toe stilletoes to lengthen my frame. Filmy tunics with skinny jeans and black satin kitty heeled shoes. I want everyone watching me, hating me, loving me, but knowing that at least on the outside, I'm fabulous.

I bought a strapless, black top with white polkadots and a sweetheart neckline. I imagined that it was what I would wear to "The Date that Isn't", probably would never happen, but I can hope.

It's baffling, this affinity for clothing, but it's better to look fabulous clothed than totally naked. :P

Neat Knot

So the world doesn't end with one (okay, two) mistakes. And maybe I was a bit over reacting on Wednesday.

My Math 1 groupmate replied after =counts= maybe 6 days since I texted her. Well, at least she did reply and I won't get a 0/15 on the group reports.

The Accounting prof was still a nag, but at least he wasn't super PMSing (yeah, he's the one guy that has that) when I asked for the make up. I only have to do the finals then I'm good.

I only have two tasks left, send the 151 report and make a reviewer for 9 Chapters of Econ. Fwee, can't wait for sem break

Foo Foo Frills

This is the time that I break down a little, flounder, drown in varying degrees.

~*~

I was with Len earlier on, she needed help with her Algebra and I needed to get out of my house and study. I took it out on UP, and in effect she got an earful of my complaints.

What I did then feels so alien from what I do know (which is just basically full on acads), and I can't help but feel if I still had my council, if I still had my radio jockey gig, if I still had UNESCO and Sanggu, would I still feel and be this useless?

Oh hell, it's excuses anyway, like everything else is, I know what to do, I just have to go about pushing myself on doing this.

Len will help, for some reason, having your best friend around always does.

D.

Whatever I had with him was a little nothing or a little something, but it was little, a relationship experiment when I was younger. Now that he's a super star, my friends (with whom I made the mistake of telling) can't help but tell me, and I can't help cringing and feeling embarrassed.

They're making a big deal out of it, when I broke up with him over nothing. It's like they're expecting something, some hidden connection I had with him when there was no real communication for over 2 or more years. I'm here wondering what could've been if I'd held on a little longer, but he'd be a trophy, and I'd be left empty.

I just wish I didn't tell, just a little secret I had, but now everyone's taking notice, and I wish it was because of me, and not him

Heights

I can do this. 100 tasks or one, I know I can do it well. Yesterday was shite, I know, but there'll be a lot of shitty days in my life, but I control which days those are and what the next day will be. I am me, and I know my capacity. I'm better than this.

Fishing for innocence...

"I'll give you a high grade for your report, I just won't be there."

"It's alright if you give us 70%, just as long as you're there."

~*~

I keep pushing it, asking questions I already know the answers to. I just wanted him to be the one to tell me, I want to gauge something out and I just want to know how it goes both ways. He still jokes that I won't miss him when he graduates and I'm still restless.

~*~

While I was rummaging through Ty's make up, she smiled at me, "You'll put those on soon," like I was nine instead of nineteen. She laughed when I corrected her, I do wear make up, just not in dust filled UP where the effort was pretty much futile going from one building to the next. "It's just that, you look like you wouldn't smoke, drink or do anything bad."

She's right about the not smoking part... I smiled and thought of how many people thought that way. It works for me, they underestimate me, get charmed by me or believe me, eventually it'll end in my favour. Although, not when you want to be something more.

~*~

I need to study, I want to study. The wanting it is a good bit, that way I'll work harder, although day dreams will flit in every now and then.

Unconsciously

The Dream
Imoto came into class, his hair was longer, oily and matted. He looked disraught. I suddenly find out from my mother that he was my half brother. Warmth drained away from me, disappointed. I suddenly find out that he fears being compared to me, that for some reason, I was good at everything, and he was never enough. Yet there were moments when we were together, sitting on one chair, feeling comfortable with each other, and yeah, maybe acting a little like siblings

Except I woke up still disappointed.

My Interpetation

It could mean that I want to be close to him, that in some way I know he wants to be close to me too. That maybe I still feel that I'm too good for him, but maybe I'm not. Of course I'm not, but I feel otherwise. And maybe this thing, whatever it is, is worth pursuing. However my heart goes...

Imoto

I'm not falling in love with him, although I'm not giving him most of my lies, just in case I do....

We sat on one seat today, first of it was really my seat, but second, I didn't push him out off it when I saw him sitting there, I just made my childish gestures, then opted to share.

I'm not sure if the warmth I'm feeling from being with him is because I do like him, or because I told people that I did to diffuse any thinking that I had a thing for Mowa (because I do).

Imoto's s a good guy, self sacrificing, self efficient, understanding and really sweet, but I always see Mowa as the guy that's too good for me. The guy that cuts class, drives fast and opens his mouth to be forkfed my slice of cake... Mowa melts my insides sometimes, also performs the lead in my fantasies. :P

I'm sure, me being me, I'll tell Imoto I liked him, hopefully a few days shy of his graduation, to save myself future embarrassment. With Mowa, I doubt I'd ever tell him. I'm screwy, don't you think? Although I think, by the time I'll tell him, it won't be a lie, although it won't be a serious confession either.

Maybe Imoto's clued in, after all, I near boasted of my supposed feelings for him to most of my close but gabby friends in AIT.

Of course there's no real relationship, there never is. Just a lot of flirting, imaginary and otherwise...