Fishing for innocence...

"I'll give you a high grade for your report, I just won't be there."

"It's alright if you give us 70%, just as long as you're there."

~*~

I keep pushing it, asking questions I already know the answers to. I just wanted him to be the one to tell me, I want to gauge something out and I just want to know how it goes both ways. He still jokes that I won't miss him when he graduates and I'm still restless.

~*~

While I was rummaging through Ty's make up, she smiled at me, "You'll put those on soon," like I was nine instead of nineteen. She laughed when I corrected her, I do wear make up, just not in dust filled UP where the effort was pretty much futile going from one building to the next. "It's just that, you look like you wouldn't smoke, drink or do anything bad."

She's right about the not smoking part... I smiled and thought of how many people thought that way. It works for me, they underestimate me, get charmed by me or believe me, eventually it'll end in my favour. Although, not when you want to be something more.

~*~

I need to study, I want to study. The wanting it is a good bit, that way I'll work harder, although day dreams will flit in every now and then.

Unconsciously

The Dream
Imoto came into class, his hair was longer, oily and matted. He looked disraught. I suddenly find out from my mother that he was my half brother. Warmth drained away from me, disappointed. I suddenly find out that he fears being compared to me, that for some reason, I was good at everything, and he was never enough. Yet there were moments when we were together, sitting on one chair, feeling comfortable with each other, and yeah, maybe acting a little like siblings

Except I woke up still disappointed.

My Interpetation

It could mean that I want to be close to him, that in some way I know he wants to be close to me too. That maybe I still feel that I'm too good for him, but maybe I'm not. Of course I'm not, but I feel otherwise. And maybe this thing, whatever it is, is worth pursuing. However my heart goes...

Imoto

I'm not falling in love with him, although I'm not giving him most of my lies, just in case I do....

We sat on one seat today, first of it was really my seat, but second, I didn't push him out off it when I saw him sitting there, I just made my childish gestures, then opted to share.

I'm not sure if the warmth I'm feeling from being with him is because I do like him, or because I told people that I did to diffuse any thinking that I had a thing for Mowa (because I do).

Imoto's s a good guy, self sacrificing, self efficient, understanding and really sweet, but I always see Mowa as the guy that's too good for me. The guy that cuts class, drives fast and opens his mouth to be forkfed my slice of cake... Mowa melts my insides sometimes, also performs the lead in my fantasies. :P

I'm sure, me being me, I'll tell Imoto I liked him, hopefully a few days shy of his graduation, to save myself future embarrassment. With Mowa, I doubt I'd ever tell him. I'm screwy, don't you think? Although I think, by the time I'll tell him, it won't be a lie, although it won't be a serious confession either.

Maybe Imoto's clued in, after all, I near boasted of my supposed feelings for him to most of my close but gabby friends in AIT.

Of course there's no real relationship, there never is. Just a lot of flirting, imaginary and otherwise...

Friends

It's like they adopted us, I don't know if Iwi was willing or not, and I could be if it was my first year...but it feels too high school, although the powerful side, the popular side, although not necessarilly the one that will see me through.

...

It's a hastily made decision, but it needs to be done.